Depression Daze #2: Express Yourself (On Paper)

Will I feel better for having written? The million dollar question.
Will transcribing my thoughts relieve the pressure, stop up my tear ducts, blow away the dark cloud hovering over me? I am not hopeful. My mood is persistent and today I am not strong enough.

Life has swept away the dam I carefully, painstakingly, constructed to keep emotions at bay. To stop the wave, the tide of emotion, crashing on the shore and pulling me out to sea.
Alone and abandoned. Helpless. Subject to the whims of wind and water. Left to float in a quagmire of thought and feeling. The relentless drain on my energy. Like the passing of the liquid flow that erodes rock and stone, I begin to disappear; my identity slowly erodes by the dominating will of my affliction.

Today we are not friends. I feel no kinship with the stranger that threatens to subsume me, taking over both mind and body. Sometimes a comfort, today an unwanted weight threatening to break me and thus far succeeding.

I wrote this not very long piece when I was admittedly having a not very good day. Just the single question of whether writing would help sparked something within me. It tapped into my creative fount – if you will. I’m glad it did. Whilst reading the above makes me sad that I can feel that way it also reminds me that now, as I write this, I don’t. I don’t feel this way today. Today whomever that girl is in the above piece, she isn’t me. This reminds me that I have better days. Even though sometimes I am overwhelmed and feel like I am disappearing, that is not today. Today I am me.

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